Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Distance is Relative

Distance is Relative

If you grow up in the same house,
separated by rooms,
does that make you friends for life?
Not always.

If you share DNA,
separated by age,
are you bonded and close?
Not always.

If you live in the same town,
separated by streets,
do you partake in each others lives?
Not always.

If you live on the same planet,
separated by a call,
do you talk often?
Not always.

If you are both alive,
separated by anger,
do you forgive?
Not always.

If one of you is gone,
separated by death,
do you mourn?
Not always.


This is a submission on the theme "Distance"
for The Tenth Daughter of Memory

Saturday, September 5, 2009

You and Me

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Life has so many obstacles,
so many chores, so many excuses.
It's easy to forget what made us us,
and get too comfortable.

We adjust to the status quo,
because we assume we will always be.
It's easy to take what was important
and relegate it to tomorrow.

But we won't always be us,
if we can't survive neglect.
It's easy to let the act of love
become a chore itself.

What got us to where we are today,
is as important as the air we breath.
It's easy to take it all for granted,
yet life is far too short.

And suddenly it can all change,
when we open our eyes to see the truth.
It's easy to find that love is not forgotten,
just waiting to be rekindled.

We can be whole once more,
and happiness can be ours again.
It's easy if we take the time for us,
and make you and me our priority.

============================

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Shadow

A life lived in shadow.

My father has always been a dominating, overbearing personality. When he is nearby, the sunlight is only allowed to shine on him and him alone. The rest of us exist in his shadow.

As I grew, I knew no better than to try and survive in that shadow. And while I wasn't alone, there comes a time when you realize something about this life is wrong.

Aren't parents supposed to move aside and let their children have their time to thrive in the light? I think so. But to do so, the child sometimes has to get away from the ever present shadow themselves. Waiting for the shadow to move might just doom you to a life in the dark.

The sun rises and sets, nothing we do will change that. And the shadows are always there. Eventually, where we choose to stand is up to us.

I chose to stand outside of my father's shadow.

And I choose to let my children stand beside me. Growing, thriving, sometimes for the better, sometimes not, but always in the light.

Theme Thursday

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Dress Rehearsals

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Often when you are anticipating, or dreading, a future moment in your life, you act out the coming scenes in your head. Usually over and over again.

And in these scenes, you want to be the hero, the person doing the right thing, for the right reasons, with perfect ease and no errors.

But in reality life doesn't work that way.

This world is made up of many actors, all trying to be the stars of our own dramas. Yet we are also the co-stars, character actors and bit players in the stories of others.

And as we get older, and wiser, we slowly learn this fact. So when we start doing dress rehearsals in our heads, we begin to play them in a more realistic light.

We won't always be the hero. More often than not, we will just be 'that guy'.

We won't always say what we want to say, because other people get in the way, with either their words or their emotions.

Each time, over the years, the scenes we play out beforehand resemble the eventual truth ever more.

We become jaded, or cynical. Practical or accepting, for more positive terms.

I suppose, when we have it almost perfected, the credits roll.

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Monday, August 3, 2009

Guilt

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I could act, but I don't want to. What I want to do is feel, and what I feel is guilt. And I shouldn't. But there it is.

Guilt is not one of those emotions we welcome, but it is one that visits often, or at least more often then we would like.

The main source of it for me right now are my ambivalent feelings in regards to my father and his diagnosis. Even though he talks positively and realistically, he apparently is getting worse instead of better.

And yet I am not afraid or depressed over the news. I hope for the best, but accept the truth.

Why then do I feel guilty?

We have never had a typical father/son relationship. But that isn't anything new. I have always been a minor player in the saga that has been his life. Truthfully, there was really only room for one major star there, anyway.

And I don't feel a pressing need to rush down to be by his side. Guilt there, too. But I honestly don't see what I could offer that he isn't already getting from my sister, his neighbor or the doctors.

That said, I would go in a second if my younger brother decided to head down. He would need the support, even if he won't ever admit it.

A quote I heard recently sticks with me and seems to have come at a serendipitous time. It is from a television show, and was spoken between two brothers about their father.

One asked the other, "Do you ever feel bad about not calling Dad?"

His brother answered, "No. I wish I had a Dad I wanted to call."

I am paraphrasing, but that is the gist of the conversation. Two short lines in a quick scene, but they said so much to me.

If I want to just be completely honest, I guess I am feeling guilty for trying to stay true to my own emotions and feelings about it all, about him.

I feel like there are scenes I am expected to be playing out, and I don't want to act in a role that has never been mine.

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Friday, July 31, 2009

Acceptance & Irony

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I went to bed last night and left my cell phone down stairs. On purpose. Probably not the best idea, with calls from who knows who, but I just didn't want to have it, didn't want to deal with anything that might arise in the night.

I know things aren't dire right now for my father, and I am pretty much of a 'que sera sera' sort of mind about it all. He IS 76, he DOES already have asthma, diabetes and probably other ailments I am unaware of, and now also has stomach cancer. All do not add up to a good prognosis. That said, he isn't right on death's door, either.

But I have still been having trouble sleeping. I am tired. I am not taking in any more caffeine than normal. Well, normal for me, that is. So, I can only assume something about the current circumstances must be bugging me.

After rolling it around in the old melon, I figure the only worry I really have about it all is the details. I will attempt to explain.

Of course I don't wish him dead, but we all die eventually, and he isn't young or well. And I accept that.

I know my sister won't handle things well, and with her schizophrenia, she will have to be dealt with carefully. She appears to be handling things okay, but who knows if or when that will suddenly change.

My mother has already said she would have her move back up here in and in with her, so it would just be a matter of getting her up here and settled without any major setback in how she has been doing. Always iffy, at best.

My younger brother is not handling this all well. He is of the opposite mind to me, when it comes to life and death and practicality. He is pragmatic when it is all hypothetical, but when faced with it in the present, he doesn't handle it well. So he will be having a tough time, and probably for a long time.

My older brother is a different story. He has beyond minimal contact with us all, as it is, save for my mother. He sends cards and gifts as sort of an obligation instead of in the spirit of generosity. But, his wife called here for basic info after my mother informed them of the situation, and then apparently my brother actually spoke to my father while he was in the hospital. Of course, that didn't go well, as he tried to play the "responsible one" and my father blew him off. He is not senile or incapacitated, so I don't know what my brother was thinking. More like acting than reacting.

My kids are handling it all okay, as they aren't especially close to their grandfather. Basically my choice, I suppose, but he did move to Florida and that seriously limited their visits with him. They email and send cards and are cordial, but it is at a distance. And my father doesn't do much to bridge that gap, like have actual conversations with them about their interests or anything. Nothing new there.
So, they will be sad, but should be okay afterwards.

And then there are other details, such as his house, his stuff and then funeral plans and such. Nothing anyone looks forward to, but also made trickier by distance and by the differing factors and feelings of my siblings, and the stress it will all put on my family here, my wife and kids.

So, there it all is. What I am thinking about, or worrying about I guess. Nothing I can really do about much of it, but that doesn't stop the brain, does it?

Funny, too, cause as I was speaking to my father yesterday, I came to realize we did share something in common and it is odd, because one would think it wouldn't be that way. He is very religious now, believing in a "living God" or some such, and I am an Atheist.

But, when talking about things, he pretty much mirrored my thoughts of life near its end, and how he would not want to be going on if it meant just illness, hospitals and pain. He would rather just wrap it all up and hit the road. Of course, he went on to say he hopes to meet others after the fact, and I couldn't chime in much there.

It is odd to find a common ground in a relationship that has been defined almost completely by the differences and distance than the similarities and closeness.

Ironic, isn't it, that the thing we have in common is also the thing he, and by extension us, are faced with now?

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Freedom

Here it is... the second blog I didn't think I was going to create.

After some back-and-forth, I went for it, with encouragement from my wife and a good friend.

This blog is for me to write, or at least post, anything I want, regardless of what it may be. No need to worry about kids or easily-offended family members reading things they shouldn't be.

Freedom, in a way.

Thanks for the support and encouragement. Hope I don't bore you to tears.