Acceptance & Irony

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I went to bed last night and left my cell phone down stairs. On purpose. Probably not the best idea, with calls from who knows who, but I just didn't want to have it, didn't want to deal with anything that might arise in the night.

I know things aren't dire right now for my father, and I am pretty much of a 'que sera sera' sort of mind about it all. He IS 76, he DOES already have asthma, diabetes and probably other ailments I am unaware of, and now also has stomach cancer. All do not add up to a good prognosis. That said, he isn't right on death's door, either.

But I have still been having trouble sleeping. I am tired. I am not taking in any more caffeine than normal. Well, normal for me, that is. So, I can only assume something about the current circumstances must be bugging me.

After rolling it around in the old melon, I figure the only worry I really have about it all is the details. I will attempt to explain.

Of course I don't wish him dead, but we all die eventually, and he isn't young or well. And I accept that.

I know my sister won't handle things well, and with her schizophrenia, she will have to be dealt with carefully. She appears to be handling things okay, but who knows if or when that will suddenly change.

My mother has already said she would have her move back up here in and in with her, so it would just be a matter of getting her up here and settled without any major setback in how she has been doing. Always iffy, at best.

My younger brother is not handling this all well. He is of the opposite mind to me, when it comes to life and death and practicality. He is pragmatic when it is all hypothetical, but when faced with it in the present, he doesn't handle it well. So he will be having a tough time, and probably for a long time.

My older brother is a different story. He has beyond minimal contact with us all, as it is, save for my mother. He sends cards and gifts as sort of an obligation instead of in the spirit of generosity. But, his wife called here for basic info after my mother informed them of the situation, and then apparently my brother actually spoke to my father while he was in the hospital. Of course, that didn't go well, as he tried to play the "responsible one" and my father blew him off. He is not senile or incapacitated, so I don't know what my brother was thinking. More like acting than reacting.

My kids are handling it all okay, as they aren't especially close to their grandfather. Basically my choice, I suppose, but he did move to Florida and that seriously limited their visits with him. They email and send cards and are cordial, but it is at a distance. And my father doesn't do much to bridge that gap, like have actual conversations with them about their interests or anything. Nothing new there.
So, they will be sad, but should be okay afterwards.

And then there are other details, such as his house, his stuff and then funeral plans and such. Nothing anyone looks forward to, but also made trickier by distance and by the differing factors and feelings of my siblings, and the stress it will all put on my family here, my wife and kids.

So, there it all is. What I am thinking about, or worrying about I guess. Nothing I can really do about much of it, but that doesn't stop the brain, does it?

Funny, too, cause as I was speaking to my father yesterday, I came to realize we did share something in common and it is odd, because one would think it wouldn't be that way. He is very religious now, believing in a "living God" or some such, and I am an Atheist.

But, when talking about things, he pretty much mirrored my thoughts of life near its end, and how he would not want to be going on if it meant just illness, hospitals and pain. He would rather just wrap it all up and hit the road. Of course, he went on to say he hopes to meet others after the fact, and I couldn't chime in much there.

It is odd to find a common ground in a relationship that has been defined almost completely by the differences and distance than the similarities and closeness.

Ironic, isn't it, that the thing we have in common is also the thing he, and by extension us, are faced with now?

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