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I could act, but I don't want to. What I want to do is feel, and what I feel is guilt. And I shouldn't. But there it is.
Guilt is not one of those emotions we welcome, but it is one that visits often, or at least more often then we would like.
The main source of it for me right now are my ambivalent feelings in regards to my father and his diagnosis. Even though he talks positively and realistically, he apparently is getting worse instead of better.
And yet I am not afraid or depressed over the news. I hope for the best, but accept the truth.
Why then do I feel guilty?
We have never had a typical father/son relationship. But that isn't anything new. I have always been a minor player in the saga that has been his life. Truthfully, there was really only room for one major star there, anyway.
And I don't feel a pressing need to rush down to be by his side. Guilt there, too. But I honestly don't see what I could offer that he isn't already getting from my sister, his neighbor or the doctors.
That said, I would go in a second if my younger brother decided to head down. He would need the support, even if he won't ever admit it.
A quote I heard recently sticks with me and seems to have come at a serendipitous time. It is from a television show, and was spoken between two brothers about their father.
One asked the other, "Do you ever feel bad about not calling Dad?"
His brother answered, "No. I wish I had a Dad I wanted to call."
I am paraphrasing, but that is the gist of the conversation. Two short lines in a quick scene, but they said so much to me.
If I want to just be completely honest, I guess I am feeling guilty for trying to stay true to my own emotions and feelings about it all, about him.
I feel like there are scenes I am expected to be playing out, and I don't want to act in a role that has never been mine.
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It's a fine line to walk, but either side of it can wind up making things worse in the long run. There's no right answer, just an answer.
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone expects you to play the role that you never have had. Your brother knows how you feel (and has known for years) and deep down, he knows that he too is/was a minor player in his drama.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason I think your father is enjoying this, in a sick kind of way. He's getting attention from lots of people...even your older brother has called to "step in". What more could he ask for at this time in his life?
You know that I am here for you no matter what you decide to do - we'll work through it together and I won't say to not feel guilty, because you don't often listen to me (hahaha) but try to just stay you - and be there for J because he will need you and I know you love him.